Fuck Them!

I just don't know why I have spent so many years worrying about what my family thinks of me.

I guess it is because for the longest time the thing running around in the back of my head was "if you conform to what you think they want you to be, then one of these days when you need them they will be there for you."

The thing is though, that time has come. I really, really need my family to be here for me now that I am heading off to college ... and they aren't.

I lowered myself to begging for money from one of my brothers the other day, something I have never wanted to do, because for some reason it makes me feel like less of a person if I can't be totally self sufficient and have to rely on others. Well the worst thing that could happen didn't happen ... but it was damn close.

See the situation is that I have to get myself 400 miles away for school, and I called begging for some money for gas to get there, while in the back of my head I was actually hoping for more to be able to live on while I was down there. That isn't what I got.

My brother said he would send me $300, but as a wedding gift for getting married to my fiance. I have already spent half the money on the wedding because I don't want my fiance to have a second justice of the peace wedding.

I want this lady I love to have the whole world and everything she deserves, and she deserves more then the two of us standing up in front of a JP. She deserves to have all her friends and family there to watch in her glorious moment. The bad part is that this glorious moment is only going to be a half-assed glorious moment. Its way less then she deserves, but way more then we can afford.

I feel sick to my stomach about going 400 miles away. Especially with little to no plan once I get there. And I wouldn't even feel really bad about going and having to live in my truck, except she will be stuck back here trying to manage the house with my son and her son and all the stresses that go with all that stuff.

What I am really mad about is that these brothers that I have bragged about for years to all my friends, these brothers who have done so much with their lives, these brothers who have all this money aren't coming forward and helping me out even though each of them had help when they were going to college.

Does this make me a petulant, selfish little brat? Probably, but it's how I feel. So fuck them. I never have felt a real member of my family anyway, except from Gary and he's dead. I guess that's what I get for being adopted by my grandparents. I don't think my brothers have ever considered me a "brother" but instead a nephew from their sister who none of them like. So the sins of the mother are forever stamped on the soul of the son even though he has tried his whole life to be accepted by everyone else, even to the point of ostracizing others so that he can be seen as one of them.

Fuck them. They don't want to accept me for who I am, then fine ... I reject them also.