I don't know whether to cry or not, and keep telling myself it won't do any damn good if I do.
What with the I.R.S. completely fucking me over for school, and myself for letting it happen, I am so fucking frustrated that I couldn't go to school this semester. I should have been starting school on Monday, but instead I am still sitting here at home wishing I was there.
On top of that is that I am applying to roughly 20-25 jobs a day, somedays more, somedays less depending on what is posted ... and I am not hearing back from hardly any employers. In fact the only ones I do hear back from are so far out of the area that I probably shouldn't be applying to them in the first place, except I keep hoping beyond hope that they will pay for relocation services, because I sure as fuck can't afford it.
Take this morning for example, I had two phone interviews. One was for a company in Ohio, and the other was for the same company but down in North Carolina. Both editors loved me and my qualification, and the working wage was decent, although not what I would call spectacular, and either one would have hired me on the spot, except I can't afford to drive out there and set myself up.
Yesterday I got a call back from a hiring service in Portland, which is where I really want to move and they said I have a phenomenal resume, and if I find myself moving to Portland on my own they could put me to work, the problem is I can't just up and move their without having a regular job ready and waiting for me. First I have no place to stay, and second I have no money to get a place to stay, and third I still have people here at home relying on me to come up with some way of helping to pay the bills ... although, I haven't been able to do that very well lately either.
The companies in my own area don't even call me. Hell, I'm not even sure they are receiving my resumes that I have been sending out. I am assuming they are getting the resumes because people from outside my area are getting them. So why the fuck aren't they calling and beating down my door. I'm knocking as hard as I can. Is it because I am overqualified for many of the positions being offered around here? Maybe. Is it because I am just getting too damn old and they think I will be a bad employee because I'm old? Who knows.
All I know is that I have been technically out of work for nine months now and bills are piling up and I am frustrated as hell and don't know what else to do.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Friday, August 16, 2013
Fuck Them!
I just don't know why I have spent so many years worrying about what my family thinks of me.
I guess it is because for the longest time the thing running around in the back of my head was "if you conform to what you think they want you to be, then one of these days when you need them they will be there for you."
The thing is though, that time has come. I really, really need my family to be here for me now that I am heading off to college ... and they aren't.
I lowered myself to begging for money from one of my brothers the other day, something I have never wanted to do, because for some reason it makes me feel like less of a person if I can't be totally self sufficient and have to rely on others. Well the worst thing that could happen didn't happen ... but it was damn close.
See the situation is that I have to get myself 400 miles away for school, and I called begging for some money for gas to get there, while in the back of my head I was actually hoping for more to be able to live on while I was down there. That isn't what I got.
My brother said he would send me $300, but as a wedding gift for getting married to my fiance. I have already spent half the money on the wedding because I don't want my fiance to have a second justice of the peace wedding.
I want this lady I love to have the whole world and everything she deserves, and she deserves more then the two of us standing up in front of a JP. She deserves to have all her friends and family there to watch in her glorious moment. The bad part is that this glorious moment is only going to be a half-assed glorious moment. Its way less then she deserves, but way more then we can afford.
I feel sick to my stomach about going 400 miles away. Especially with little to no plan once I get there. And I wouldn't even feel really bad about going and having to live in my truck, except she will be stuck back here trying to manage the house with my son and her son and all the stresses that go with all that stuff.
What I am really mad about is that these brothers that I have bragged about for years to all my friends, these brothers who have done so much with their lives, these brothers who have all this money aren't coming forward and helping me out even though each of them had help when they were going to college.
Does this make me a petulant, selfish little brat? Probably, but it's how I feel. So fuck them. I never have felt a real member of my family anyway, except from Gary and he's dead. I guess that's what I get for being adopted by my grandparents. I don't think my brothers have ever considered me a "brother" but instead a nephew from their sister who none of them like. So the sins of the mother are forever stamped on the soul of the son even though he has tried his whole life to be accepted by everyone else, even to the point of ostracizing others so that he can be seen as one of them.
Fuck them. They don't want to accept me for who I am, then fine ... I reject them also.
I guess it is because for the longest time the thing running around in the back of my head was "if you conform to what you think they want you to be, then one of these days when you need them they will be there for you."
The thing is though, that time has come. I really, really need my family to be here for me now that I am heading off to college ... and they aren't.
I lowered myself to begging for money from one of my brothers the other day, something I have never wanted to do, because for some reason it makes me feel like less of a person if I can't be totally self sufficient and have to rely on others. Well the worst thing that could happen didn't happen ... but it was damn close.
See the situation is that I have to get myself 400 miles away for school, and I called begging for some money for gas to get there, while in the back of my head I was actually hoping for more to be able to live on while I was down there. That isn't what I got.
My brother said he would send me $300, but as a wedding gift for getting married to my fiance. I have already spent half the money on the wedding because I don't want my fiance to have a second justice of the peace wedding.
I want this lady I love to have the whole world and everything she deserves, and she deserves more then the two of us standing up in front of a JP. She deserves to have all her friends and family there to watch in her glorious moment. The bad part is that this glorious moment is only going to be a half-assed glorious moment. Its way less then she deserves, but way more then we can afford.
I feel sick to my stomach about going 400 miles away. Especially with little to no plan once I get there. And I wouldn't even feel really bad about going and having to live in my truck, except she will be stuck back here trying to manage the house with my son and her son and all the stresses that go with all that stuff.
What I am really mad about is that these brothers that I have bragged about for years to all my friends, these brothers who have done so much with their lives, these brothers who have all this money aren't coming forward and helping me out even though each of them had help when they were going to college.
Does this make me a petulant, selfish little brat? Probably, but it's how I feel. So fuck them. I never have felt a real member of my family anyway, except from Gary and he's dead. I guess that's what I get for being adopted by my grandparents. I don't think my brothers have ever considered me a "brother" but instead a nephew from their sister who none of them like. So the sins of the mother are forever stamped on the soul of the son even though he has tried his whole life to be accepted by everyone else, even to the point of ostracizing others so that he can be seen as one of them.
Fuck them. They don't want to accept me for who I am, then fine ... I reject them also.
Not The Plan
I had this plan you see. It was a good plan. A well thought out plan. A
plan that I made several lifetimes ago. A plan that didn't include all
this baggage I have to deal with now.
See, I made a deal with myself almost 21 years ago when I found out my girlfriend at the time was pregnant with my child that I would see it through. I'd be there for the kid, unlike my own biological mom and dad. I'd be there until she turned at least 18. I'd be a real father.
I was too.I was a fantastic father. I was an amazing father. And not just to her. I was there for her brother who came along a couple years later. I was the father that was there for every soccer game, band recital, play performance, broken arm, taught them to ride bicycles, and kissed every bump and bruise.
But the plan was that when they grew up ... I was gone. I was gonna be back on the road doing what I love to do. Travel!
Now the kids are grown. I have fulfilled my promise to myself and to them. My daughter is almost 21 and my son is 19.
Only, now I'm not able to fulfill the other half of my deal.
Over the course of the last year and a half, some stuff has happened with my son and he got in a little trouble with the law, and now I have to be here for him ... and it makes me frustrated with how things were supposed to be.
I went and started making plans a while back to head off and finish my college education now that I was no longer going to be responsible for their every want and need.
Hell, I was out and gone from home before I was 18. That's just how it's supposed to be.
His mom hasn't followed through on a single promise she has made to help out with him since he came home. Which leaves it up to me to be both mom and dad to a 19 year old boy. A boy whom I might add is generally a wonderful person, he just got in trouble for the wrong thing. Something else that has turned my stomach sour and angry.
And here I am feeling like a spoiled little kid because I can't get my way. But I kinda feel I have the right. I did everything perfectly, just as I was supposed to do as a dad and this is supposed to be MY time to go live those dreams I put on hold so many damn years ago. To top it off, I went and fell in love with this beautiful, wonderful gal ... whom I am now responsible for also.
I keep telling myself it wasn't supposed to be like this. This isn't how the plan was supposed to go.
And the futility of it all never ceases to amaze me.
See, I made a deal with myself almost 21 years ago when I found out my girlfriend at the time was pregnant with my child that I would see it through. I'd be there for the kid, unlike my own biological mom and dad. I'd be there until she turned at least 18. I'd be a real father.
I was too.I was a fantastic father. I was an amazing father. And not just to her. I was there for her brother who came along a couple years later. I was the father that was there for every soccer game, band recital, play performance, broken arm, taught them to ride bicycles, and kissed every bump and bruise.
But the plan was that when they grew up ... I was gone. I was gonna be back on the road doing what I love to do. Travel!
Now the kids are grown. I have fulfilled my promise to myself and to them. My daughter is almost 21 and my son is 19.
Only, now I'm not able to fulfill the other half of my deal.
Over the course of the last year and a half, some stuff has happened with my son and he got in a little trouble with the law, and now I have to be here for him ... and it makes me frustrated with how things were supposed to be.
I went and started making plans a while back to head off and finish my college education now that I was no longer going to be responsible for their every want and need.
Hell, I was out and gone from home before I was 18. That's just how it's supposed to be.
His mom hasn't followed through on a single promise she has made to help out with him since he came home. Which leaves it up to me to be both mom and dad to a 19 year old boy. A boy whom I might add is generally a wonderful person, he just got in trouble for the wrong thing. Something else that has turned my stomach sour and angry.
And here I am feeling like a spoiled little kid because I can't get my way. But I kinda feel I have the right. I did everything perfectly, just as I was supposed to do as a dad and this is supposed to be MY time to go live those dreams I put on hold so many damn years ago. To top it off, I went and fell in love with this beautiful, wonderful gal ... whom I am now responsible for also.
I keep telling myself it wasn't supposed to be like this. This isn't how the plan was supposed to go.
And the futility of it all never ceases to amaze me.
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