Feel like crying

Why is it that whenever I feel the need to ask my family for money that it drives me into serious depression? It's not like I ask all that often ... like once every 10 years. And it's not like they ever have loaned me much to begin with. I remember borrowing $300 from one of my brothers about 20 years ago to get back to California from Montana and I paid him as soon as I got home to Cali.

I guess one of the reasons it makes me feel so bad is because it makes me feel like such a damn failure that I have to resort to begging. It's purely my pride bringing me down, or lack of said pride.

Another reason is because I have never really felt a part of my family. As many of you know, my grandparents adopted me and raised me as one of their own, but the fact of the matter is that most of my "brothers" only see me as the son of the sister that none of them liked because she was an alcoholic and a drug abuser, and it doesn't matter how hard I fight as a vocal advocate against drug and alcohol abuse that I can't seem lift that stigma of being born from one. Well, at least in the eyes of my brothers.

So to go begging for money from these guys who have never really considered me one of their own, is even harder than asking complete strangers on the street, I think. It just reinforces that I am not good enough in their eyes to make it on my own. At least this is what runs through my head when I have to do something as demeaning as asking them for money.

The thing is, if they would have truly accepted me as one of their own when I was younger and helped me out as much as they helped each other out, then I wouldn't be in the boat I am in today. They seem to have short memories and don't remember that they all got their start with the help of either our dad, who loaned them money when they needed, or from one of the older brothers. Unfortunately dad wasn't around to give me as much support as he gave them, and since they don't really see me as a "true" brother, I have never really had the support from them.

I try so hard everyday to make it in this world that I am woefully unfit to compete in, and the struggle just seems to get harder and harder, and the only support I have is emotional support (which don't get me wrong, is fabulous to have), from my wife and kids and a few friends, but when it comes down to financial matters, I suck at them no matter how hard I try, and I have no one that can, or is willing, to help me figure out this part of my life. I've been purely making shit up as I go along and I just can't seem to get it right.

I am a failure.