My girlfriend has been feeling a little guilty lately. Not because she did anything wrong, per se, but because she has been spending so much time at my house lately that she has not been at her own place and spent time with her cats.
No, she isn’t a “cat lady”. She has a boyfriend, me! (She has impeccable taste in men.) She just likes cats. Two of the cats are brothers and still kinda in the kitten stage, and the third is stray that she took in.
Now I have a cat also. I have had him for something like nine or ten years. He’s old, he’s grumpy and he also refuses to believe that he isn’t the master of the house. As far as he is concerned us humans are there to feed him, scratch him when he wants to be scratched and then to leave him the fuck alone.
We’re perfect for each other.
Anyway, I could tell that my girlfriend was feeling bad for not spending enough time with her own little ones, so I opened up one evening and told her that she could bring one of them over. Maybe one like the stray. Of the three he might be able to get along with my cat, Cloud, more then any of them. He’s pretty laid back and easy going and besides, he’s gorgeous as hell. Silky black fur and green eyes that say, “yeah, I can take you or leave you. Doesn’t matter to me.”
Did I mention my girlfriend sucks at naming pets? Well, not all the time, but on this particular time I’d have to say she screwed the pooch. She usually lets a pet stay with her for a while until a name just kinda “fits”. And usually it works out. The pet ends up with a name that really fits its personality. This time, I think she just gave up. The cats name is: “Insert Name Here”! We all just call him “Insert.” He’s fucking black with green eyes. How fucking hard would it be to name a cat that looks like that? I could come up with a name for him with my pronouns tied behind my back. How about something like “Midnight”, “8-Ball”, “Spades”, “Black Bart”, “Shadow” … fuck, the list could go on and on. But no, he got branded “Insert Name Here.”
Poor fucking pussy.
I can’t say I’m much better though. Mine is “Cloud”. But at least in my defense when my daughter and I picked him out as a small kitten he looked like a fluffy, little cloud. Now he just looks like a big fat Cloud with some sunset orange bouncing off of him. He’s so fucking fat now that whenever something disappears around the house, our first train of thought is to say “Cloud ate it.”
Now Cloud isn’t so good with other animals coming over. Hell, he’s not good with other people coming over, unless they feed him. So bringing another cat into the house can be a pretty traumatic experience. Well, at least for me. So it took quite a lot of effort on my part just to offer to let her bring over one cat. As for all three, that probably isn’t going to happen anytime soon. If ever. I don’t think Cloud could handle it, and I sure as hell don’t think I could handle it.
Insert is a pretty good cat though. He stays out of Clouds way for the most part, although we have caught him looking like he wanted to stalk Cloud a few times. I mean, just look at all that meat. Who wouldn’t think about eating a big old fat cat? I think the only thing that stops Insert from following through is that it would be just too much fucking work to dispose of the uneaten portions.
He’s very friendly and loving though. He will crawl up into anyone’s lap and let them pet him. In fact, he rather insists on it. If you stop petting him he will start clawing on you and shoving his paw in your face. His polydactyl paw, by the way. Oh yeah, he’s a polydactyl cat, which means that he was born with extra toes. His are almost in the shape of thumbs, and my girlfriend claims that he can hold objects like a human does, although I have yet to see this myself. My girlfriend, like the great author Hemingway, collects polydactyl cats.
Yeah, she’s weird. Hence why she is with me.
Fortunately, Cloud and Insert do a pretty good job of ignoring one another. There has been minimal hissing and growling at each other, which in my humble opinion is a fucking miracle. Usually Cloud does that low growl thing that states in unequivocal terms: “Get the fuck out of my house you whore!” But with Insert it’s been more of a: “As long as you stay off my side of the bed I won’t have to smack you in the penis,” kind of thing. And what really surprises me is that Cloud has even allowed Insert to be on the bed at the same time as him. Which sucks.
Take last night for example I was woken up in the middle of the night with a face full of pussy. Now don’t get me wrong, I like waking up with a face full of young pussy as much as the next guy, but this was the wrong kind of pussy. Besides, I usually like my pussy to be shaved and most of the time to be tied up. This pussy had fur and claws and decided that sleeping on my fucking head sounded like a good idea. Now, granted, I have a sexy fucking bald head that is probably nice and warm at night, but I sure don’t want to use it as a cat warmer when I am trying to get some much needed sleep.
Cloud learned long ago as a little kitten that sleeping near my head was an option he didn’t want to pursue. Most likely because whenever he did, the result sounded like a really bad Saturday morning kung fu theater episode.
(Master to students: “Please take the position of Cat Who Flies Through Air.”)
Insert hasn’t learned these lessons yet, and he isn’t a little kitten with freshly trimmed claws. No, he’s a full grown polydactyl cat with fucking extra claws — and they are fucking sharp as hell! So I go to throw him off the bed and he fucking clings onto my pillow with such a death grip that I am pretty sure if I had successfully thrown him, he would have taken my pillow, and everything from my shoulders up with him. Out of shear self-preservation I decided that throwing him off the bed wasn’t such a good idea. So instead I put up with him not only laying right against the top of my head for the rest of the night, but also him deciding it was a great idea to prop his legs up on my face.
I’m pretty sure he was either laughing the whole time, or that his tongue might have stuck in my ear during the night at some point. At least, I am going to hope to whatever gods are out there that it was a tongue and not something a lot more intrusive.
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